Lana Del Rey backlash… Does Jack White have the answer?

Things are starting to get nauseating for young Lana Del Rey (and frankly it’s getting funny for the rest of us) as the swirling commentary continues over her performance on Saturday Night Live last week.  Things really got heated up when NBC Anchor Brian Williams publicly ripped Del Rey’s performance in an email to Gawker.

“Brooklyn hippster Lana Del Rey had one of the worst outings in SNL history last night — booked on the strength of her TWO SONG web EP, the least-experienced musical guest in the show’s history, for starters,”

This has led to endless web chatter about the future of the “over-produced” buzz babe.  The funniest I have found was the compilation of tips that tweeters gave to Brooklyn blogger Carles from Hipster Runoff when he pined, “How can #LDR (Lana Del Rey) save her career?  The potential tips for the breathy, “gangsta Nancy Sinatra” are pricelessly funny.  Check them out below.  There is one that is missing from the Nashville front… “Sign with Third Man Records and marry Jack White.”  I mean, he likes hot red heads, right?

HOW CAN #LDR SAVE HER CAREER [VIA #SAVE_LDR]? (from hipsterrunoff.com)

  • Get new/bigger lips
  • Sex Tape
  • Marry Ben Gibbard and get a tv show on FOX
  • Divorce Ben Gibbard
  • Star in a movie with that guy from 30 Rock from the Sunnies
  • ‘go Winehouse’ on every1’s ass to appeal to Brit gossip rag media
  • Quit playin her video games
  • Gooohh pllaaahyy heerr beehddeeeohhooo gaaaymmmeees
  • Million dollar Playboy photo shoot
  • ‘go dubstep’
  • Release a collab with Skrillex
  • Collab with Panda Bear
  • Tear up a picture of Carles on her next SNL performance
  • Fight Floyd Mayweather/ Manny Pacquaio
  • Buy some domains from her father
  • Collab with Kreayshawn
  • Learn how to die 2 be born
  • ‘Retire’ from singing live
  • Female indie supergroup with Regine Chassagne, Maddie Follin, Alice Glass, Bethany Cosentino, and Vicki LeGrand
  • Become a member of Grizzly Bear
  • ‘Start shit’ with some bitch
  • Do a performance on MadTV
  • Perform on the Carson Daly show so no1 will watch it
  • hit the gym
  • date a ‘feeder’, ‘go Carnie Wilson on every1’s ass’
  • Have gastric bypass surgery
  • Regain the weight
  • Join the Dirty Projjies so that Dave Longstreth can ‘dom’ her career/life
  • ‘go Kerouac’ on every1’s ass for a few years
  • Sign a modeling contract with Vivid Entertainment
  • Become a backup singer/dancer for Katy Perry
  • Get a job at Enterprise Rentacar, where she will have the tools to become her own boss
  • Give some1 important a ‘BJ’
  • Date Courtney Love
  • Date Kanye West, get ‘enormous ass’ [via Amber Rose]
  • get an internship at Pitchfork.tv
  • Start her own cassette label so no1 will listen 2 her music
  • Date Ben Affleck, created relationship nickname “Lanaffleck”
  • Have a child so ppl will be nice to her and let her make a living
  • Have a fake baby with Jay-Z
  • Release an mp3 that hates on the haters
  • Become a ‘symbol of strength for ugly people who don’t fit in’ like Lady Gaga
  • Jump on the ‘anti-cyberbullying’ campaign as a shield from cyberbullying
  • “More cowbell” meme
  • Ask Donald Glover for advice
  • Live in Europe
  • Use autotune
  • Marry Russell Brand
  • Show off her cha-chas
  • Shoot whipped cream out of her b00bz
  • Hire that Jimmy Fallon drummer guy as her backing band
  • Marry Tim Tebow
  • Pray 2 Tim Tebow
  • Ask for career advice from the man with the Golden Radio Voice
  • Join the rapegaze genre
  • Score the soundtrack of a violent, bro-wave video game
  • Date Andy Samberg
  • hire backup dancers
  • Hire a brand manager
  • hire random ethnic ‘hype men’ like Diplo
  • Hire rappers to do the pointless ‘rap verse’ in her songs
  • Build a time machine and tell Gorilla Vs. Bear not 2 post her music
  • Build a time machine and find a way to make the Lizzy Grant project successful
  • Go back in time and write the theme song 2 Dawson’s Creek [via not wanting 2 wait 4 our lives’ 2 be over]
  • Embrace the city as her church
  • Start bleepbloop band
  • ‘Go chillwave’
  • build a tribe of outspoken Tumblring, blogging and vlogging internet tweens to stand up 4 her
  • Send fruit baskets 2 her critics with flesh lights/huge black dildos so they can finally ‘feel pleasure’
  • Release a Mountain Dew sponsored MP3 to get back her authenticity
  • Be open and honest about her intentions as an artist, stop being afraid to impose her artistic will on the opportunity that she has instead of letting other misguided ppl steer her career straight in2 the shitter

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